Yesterday, I was talking to some cyber friends of mine about death and dying. I did my best to console her and walked away with a feeling that I helped her. I then spoke to some co-workers and one of them told me that she know 3 people with cancer. It was tougher to console my co-worker so I asked her to make sure she doesn't take this person's spirit into herself.
This morning, I woke up and didn't feel like getting up (this is never a good sign). When I was ready to get myself together, I got a phone call from an old High School friend of mine. Another one of my dearest High School friends has cancer and things aren't looking very good for him.
Cancer first introduced itself to me back in 1989, when I was a freshman in HS. I was on the track team and Cancer took residence in my friend, Sparv Taitt. He also ran track with me. He was such a sweetheart - so bright and radiant. Even when he was sick, he still managed a smile. I hated hospitals, even back then so when things got worse, I stayed in the sidelines and prayed. I hoped that when I became a sophomore, he would get better (and for a time, he was). I remember the day I found out he died like it was yesterday. I had found out from "other people." No one on the track team knew before them and that angered me so much. It was like, "why would you tell them you're leaving and not us? Not the people that love you?" I screamed at them and ran down the hall of my High School. I ran so hard and screamed so loud, the whole building heard me. I saw myself, jumping out of the window, ready to go to hell so that Sparv could come back. But I couldn't jump. Something, someone, some being stopped me. All of the might of a 14 year old was not stronger than this force, this thing that wouldn't let me jump nor move. So I just slumped to the floor and cried. I think I feel asleep on the floor when someone tried to pull me up. I woke up and started screaming and crying again.
As I recall my next words, my memory shifts from 1989 to 2001, when my co-worker, Fred Jordan died. "IT'S NOT FAIR!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! HE WAS SO GREAT! HE WAS SO GOOD! WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE? WHY CAN'T I DIE? I'M NOT A GOOD PERSON!! WHY DOES GOD HAVE TO TAKE THE GOOD ONES AND LEAVE FUCKED UP PEOPLE LIKE ME TO LIVE? I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE."
When I remember what happens next, I go to 2002, when my little sister, Roxanne, died. I was depressed for a long time. It was like a snowball effect: one thing after another, after another, after another kept happening. I wouldn't even have time to get better because as soon as I was ready to come out of it, something else would happen, leaving me in the same rut.
You know, it's one thing when people just die on you. It's something totally frightening when you watch someone on that dying path. To watch them slip away. To be so...helpless. Totally helpless. You can't help them, you can't help you. What's the point of living when death is all around you? What's the point? If I could trade my life for theirs, I would. I would....
Right now, I'm crying. I think back to all of those times where I have reached this point and still, regardless of the circumstances, regardless of whether they just died one day or if I watched them die over a period of time, the same thing happens. The force...the one that stopped me from jumping out of that window at 14, the force that told me to cut my hair in 2001, the force that guides my pen right now...has a voice. This voice said the same thing to me in 1989, 2001, 2002, all the other times I faced situations like this that it says to me right now:
When you look at the words "in sickness and in health", what do you think of? You may not realize it, but most people see the words, "weakness and strength". To most of the world, sickness is associated with weakness. But the funny thing about it is that the "weakness" doesn't stop at the sick person. You also see yourself as "weak". Why? Because the word "helpless" is also associated with "being weak". And just like the word "health" being "sick" and "weak" is not just in the physical. There is also mental/spiritual sickness that can greatly affect our physical sickness (or health).
so how do you combat that? It's one thing to fight dis-ease, but to fight death? Doesn't that seem impossible to you? How can it be when we fight death...everyday! We all know that death will come...there is a beginning and an end to all things. But when you strive to be healthy, when you strive to be whole, you are, in essence, fighting death. It doesn't mean that you will win (no one lives forever) but you can delay it. When you start on the path of health, you do your level best to delay aging and death.
So when you know someone that is dying, don't look at them with pity - out of their seeming weakness. Look to their strength. How strong are they that, in the face of this death, they can open their eyes and live another day! How strong are they, that they look to you with pride and smile, like everything is alright! How strong are they, to cherish every waking moment...which you sit there and wallow in tears. Depressing yourself, to the point where you can become just as sick as they are. No. Praise the Most High for showing you His Works. For even in the shadows of death, you can see His Light. Even as their bodies wither, their souls are being fortified with your faith. And when they are gone...don't despair!! Their souls are now purified, never forgotten, enabling you to look to the light with new eyes.
Later on today, I'm going to go to the hospital to see my friend. They will have a prayer service there. I won't go there sad and mad. Uh uh. I will do what I didn't get to do for my friend, Sparv, my friend, Fred, my little sister, Roxanne. I will tell my friend that he is the strongest and most beautiful person I know. I will tell him that even in the face of darkness, I will smile, knowing that he has been a beautiful part of my life. I will tell him that I will cherish him forever, in this life and after. I will cry tears of happiness because he has accomplished more than most can hope for...he is love. No one can take that away from him (and the Lord wouldn't want to).
I hope that this post will help you to come to terms with these situations in a positive manner. It's normal and basic human nature to be in denial, angry, sad, depressed - for a time. However, sooner than later, you will have to get yourself together, get healthy and live...so that the person who has died or is dying has not lived and enjoyed their life, in vain.
Stay strong, stay healthy, and fight dis-ease.
*UPDATE* My friend succumbed to cancer on 10-17-2007. When I found out I was so....angry. I cried the huge tears and walked around sulking. I prayed and more tears came out. A voice kept telling me "it's ok...this will strengthen you for the times ahead. It will provide you with the necessary focus to finish school and follow your dharma (which means "calling" in Sanskrit)." At that precise moment, I cried even more. I realized that my anger was truly fear. Fear that I wouldn't be able to do God's Works (which is this). Fear that I would let my friend that died down and fear that I would let myself and everyone else down. I didn't tell anyone about my revelation but like a miracle, people started to tell me exactly what the voice in my head was saying. My mom, who is one of the most cynical people known to man, was even giving me encouragement (in her own way). It was phenomenal to see how many people supported me in this. I thanked God and realized that maybe my friend, Jimmy, had a hand in this. He never did like to see me cry or be sad.
That same night, I saw another friend of mine who buried his dad almost two weeks ago. My friend lived on the same block as Jimmy, my friend that died from cancer. His dad also died from cancer. I was then told that there are still 6 people on that block that have cancer...all different kinds of cancer, affecting different areas - but cancer nonetheless.
I was shocked. These people are all of different ages and backgrounds. The most obvious similarity right now is that they all live on the same block. It was almost frightening to realize that there is a possible cancer cluster so close to me. The oddest thing is that one of my co-workers is also faced with a situation where she knows at least 6 people with various forms of cancer. Their connection is that they all attend the same church. I asked another friend of mine about the history of that area and he told me that about 50 years ago, the neighborhood that my friend Jimmy lived in was once a dumping ground.
It is just uncanny how many people that I know (directly and indirectly) with some form of cancer. Is this a coincidence? Is it a "reaction" of sorts?
Now before I go any further, I want to explain this "reaction" that I'm talking about...Mother Earth is in a state of dis-ease. We have treated her so horribly that she is now forced to cleanse herself. Whatever processes the Earth is going through to maintain and cleanse itself will be manifested and reflected through us, especially since everything we eat and drink and walk on comes from the Earth.
There is no way that I can stop cancer. However, I can make a difference in how we all deal with it and treat it (if you have it or if you have a friend or family member who has it). Early detection is key in remission and at times, curing, cancer. With this last sentence, the questions that follow are vast, varied, and specific. I don't have all the answers but I will find out as much as I can to make sure that we are all informed. If there is ever a time that you have to deal with cancer or you're faced with a situation where you have to take care of a loved one who has cancer, I hope that I can provide a place where you can get information or where I can, at least, point you in the right direction.
As for me, my fears are not completely gone but they have been diminished greatly. I will not lose focus when it comes to reaching my goals. I have seen my future and it contains me being successful in this field. You can help me and I can help you. A state of perfection is reached when you can help yourself. As for my friend Jimmy, I think he has my back. Maybe not in the flesh...but definitely in the spirit. Whether you are in sickness, or in health, maintain love. Love transcends sickness, death, and even the internets. LOL
From now on, I will do my level best to stay strong, stay healthy, and fight dis-ease. I hope you do the same. :)
*UPDATE* Yesterday, 11.08.07, my uncle died of a heart attack in Guyana. I am devastated, to say the least. I am more worried for my 99 years young Grandma, who found out that another one of her sons is gone. I haven't been this angry and hateful in a long time. However, something new has emerged. It's not from the inside, out. It's actually from the outside, in.
You see, right now, I don't feel like a healer. I don't feel like I can help anyone. The anger I feel is towards family members and even myself. I don't feel strong and don't understand how 2 deaths within 1 month from each other can make me strong. The more I try to let go of this anger, the more angry I become.
Fortunately, some of you seem to have been touched by me. In return, you are touching me. For every word of anger I have spit, someone who I consider a friend, loved one, a stranger, or a potential client has showered me with love and compassion and support. I never thought that I could truly find understanding with New Yorkers who aren't "enlightened" in some way, shape or form but being human is enlightening in itself. No matter what is going on in our lives, how self-absorbed we can be, basic human traits (understanding, kindness, compassion, love) will always shine when need be. In the worst of times, humans can come together and manifest why we were created in the image of the Divine.
To all of you who have become a mirror of sorts, guiding me when I need a helping hand, I say bless you. To all of you who read this now and understand what I'm going through, I say thank you. To all humans, animals, aliens, and cockroaches I say love you. ;P
Sat Nam (Truth runs through all Existence)
