Domestic Violence: Speak the Evil....Part II

It's been too long since I've had a chance to finish this blog. Seeing Rhianna's battered face all over the Internet made me say, "OK...this has to be done NOW!" So let's get to it.


emotional/verbal abuse (mindgames)

"You are SO stupid." "You are the dumbest b*&^% I have ever met!" "You are so worthless"

These are examples of verbal abuse. After all of the affection and attention, which then leads to possessiveness, here comes the mind games and the verbal abuse. One minute, you're the best thing on the planet. The next...well, you get the idea.

My father was great at verbal abuse. He called my mother and I every name in the book. "Fat, ugly, stupid, dumb..." you name it, we were called it. The worst part about it is that I couldn't tell my friends and family what he called me and my mom. They wouldn't believe me.

My father did what most men do in these situations - play mindgames. You see, everyone outside of my immediate family (even some of my immediate family members) had no idea that my dad was an abuser because he would proclaim to the outside world that we were the best things since sliced bread. Does this sound familiar to you?

For a long time, I scratched my head, wondering why a man would do this. As I got older, one word came to mind: control. All of these things are done for control. The verbal abuse and the mindgames maintain control, while the other steps establish control (in some weird way).

My dad was able to control my mom and myself through verbal abuse. There were many times that he would just look at me and I would break down and cry because I would start to imagine the words that would come out of his mouth. My mom did whatever he asked just so she didn't have to hear his mouth. Worst of all, this kind of relationship made my mother and I more like sisters - fighting over some crazy dude - instead of a mother and daughter that would support and love and stand for each other.

Unfortunately, the mind games don't stop at verbal abuse. There are times when a man speaks to you like you're the queen of the world and then talks about you like a dog to everyone else. I have known women who caught their man cheating but because they played such good mind games, these women were made to feel guilty about "not trusting your man" or "being nosey" or "starting drama" or whatever the buzz words are for today.

If you are in this situation and the man has never hit you, my "suggestion" would be to leave now. It is my experience that most men that reach the verbal/emotional abuse stage are going to hit you at some point or another. Whatever attempts they are making to pacify you will not work and men understand this. NO ONE can take that kind of abuse without trying to fight back at least once. They anticipate it and it seems like the abuser waits (almost anxiously) for you to try to rise above so that they can bring you back down.

It is really hard to break out of this stage. Even if and when you do, the effects last for a long time because you start to believe that everything this man has said is true. Once you see beneath the facade, your heart is broken as well as your spirit. So what can you do if you are a victim of mind games/verbal abuse:

1. Don't beat yourself up.
2. Forgive yourself
3. Get a good support system of people that truly love you, no matter what
4. Do NOT deal with the "I told you so" kind of voices that maybe prevalent in your life.
5. Do whatever you can do to heal - take walks, meditate, pray, see a therapist...whatever you need to do to understand and truly feel that you are not a product of this abuse and you can get over it, DO IT

This also goes for any of the other patterns of abuse. When it comes to physical abuse, there may be even more you have to do and I'll talk about that later.

Understand that this is a process. Just like gaining weight, it took time for this to happen. None of this happened overnight (even though it may seem that way). So knowing that it's going to take a while for this to pass will help you to appreciate the little things. It's the little things that take you away from these huge ass bricks on your heart and soul.

domestic violence

You wanna know something? I took me a long time to write up this part of the post because I truly don't know where to begin. Anger, frustration, and fear are weird emotions. There are times when it serves you. But when these emotions lead to beating up your spouse, it never serves you.

I can talk about these patterns as if there is a certain timeframe in which you are a victim of domestic violence but it's not always the case. My friend lost her eye due to domestic violence last year. It was the first time her boyfriend ever touched her. Sure, he tried to control her and gave her lots of affection (which turned into possession). In spite of this, she never thought she would wake up one day without an eye.


There are also a lot of men that are victims of domestic violence (a 2007 study showed that there were 835,000 cases of men being physically assaulted or raped by their intimate partners each year). Most of them don't even report it. What my friend and most men have in common is that they tried to walk away first. Yeah, you read right. She tried to leave before anything happened. Often times, that is trigger enough for a person to snap.

I say this because I know a couple of men that are victims of domestic violence. Their stories are very similar:

We got into an argument and she kept pushing me. Then she tried to hit me. I held her so that she would stop but then she started kicking and biting. I didn't want to hit her so I tried to walk away. Then she hit me in the back of my head with a _______. At that point, I just "blacked out" (which means to lose control) and...

In the case of my friend (a female), she and her boyfriend got into a heated argument. She asked him to leave and he refused. She said she would leave. Before she could open the door...bam!

In these past weeks, I have learned a lot more about domestic violence than I have in my 16 years of being abused by my dad and watching my mom being a victim of domestic violence. But of course, in my learning, there are new questions to ask:

• Is there really a thin line between "defense" and "domestic violence," especially when it comes to men?
• Are there exceptions to the rule that "a man should NEVER hit a woman?"
• How do we deal with the anger and fear that comes from insecurities before it turns into domestic violence?
  
• How do we help men, women, and children to deal with this dis-ease?
  
• Can we, as a society, heal from this?

I don't have the answers at this time. Domestic Violence and Physical Abuse is always wrong - whether a man does it to a woman or vice versa. But there are always exceptions to the rules, right?

Let me know. If there is one thing I have learned from all of this that doesn't need a Q & A, it is this:

One person alone will not have all of the answers. We all have to get involved to make domestic violence a thing of the past.

If that means calling the police if you see someone being a victim, do it. If that means making sure your children don't become perpetrators by letting go of your current spouse, then do it. If that means taking time out to talk to victims of domestic violence and empowering them to live healthier lives, so be it. Even if that means trying to help the perpetrators of domestic violence, then that's what it means. EVERYONE is a victim when it comes to Domestic Violence. Even the person doing it...especially the person doing it.

Please help me in trying to figure out how to help others so that we can stop this. Comment, email me or Twitter me about it. I was going to let this one wait for my editor but I can't. There is too much talking about it for me to hold back. So please pardon the lack of professionalism of this post. I had to speak from the heart.

Stay strong, stay healthy, and fight dis-ease!

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The Essential 4 Series: Breathe Better Methods II

Greetings Everyone!

Let's see...I've been using the Neti pot for the past week. At first, I was a little creeped out because I'm so used to breathing through my nose that I thought that I couldn't breathe out of my mouth while doing this thing. But it's so easy, it's not even funny! The Neti pot is safe enough to use daily (only once per day please) and start of with 1/4 teaspoon of un-iodized salt (most companies that make the pot will also provide the salt to be used). Some Neti pot manufacturers and Yogis recommend that you use 1/2 teaspoon and that's fine. I'll graduate to that soon. I'm happy with the level of cleaning I'm getting right now.

In the last blog, I also mentioned that I'm going to start this part of the series with Yoga. I'm not going to disappoint. Let's go:

Asana

In the May 2008 issue of Yoga Journal, they have an article that shows you 9 poses for stuffy sinuses. Marla Apt takes you through a therapeutic Iyengar Yoga sequence. Iyengar uses a lot of props, including blankets, blocks and chairs in their methods. It will be too much for me to go through each pose (asana) and explain it fully but I will give you a list of the poses and you can go to Yoga Journal's Pose Browse Index to see how they look.

I will mention some quotes that come from this article which I feel are very important for anyone that wants to use Yoga as a vehicle for better breathing, regardless of their level:

"In all of the poses (in the sequence), it's crucial to get the proper action of the shoulder blades: They should move away from your head and forward toward your chest. When the shoulder blade action falls into place, you will feel a sense of spaciousness and relaxation in the neck and shoulder region, which will encourage the sinuses to open."

"Apt recommends breathing normally, because deep breathing can aggravate blocked sinuses."

"Yoga can't eradicate your allergies altogether, but it can provide some immediate relief that you'll feel in the form of less pressure in your head, more relaxation in your neck and shoulders, and a sense of spaciousness behind your eyes, forehead, and cheeks." (pg. 77)

Here is the list of poses in Ms. Apt's Iyengar Sequence:

1. Balasana (Child's Pose)
2. Adho Mukha Svanasana (Downward-Facing Dog Pose)
3. Uttanasana (Standing Forward Bend)
4. Supta Virasana (Reclining Hero Pose)
5. Dwi Pada Viparita Dandasana (Two-Legged Inverted Staff Pose)
6. Sirsasana (Headstand) This pose is NOT for beginners or for those with neck injuries, according to Ms. Apt. For beginners, I would suggest that if you want to do Headstand, go to a class or have a private session with a competent teacher. If you have a minor neck injury, make sure to use a blanket to properly hold your head and do it against a wall so that you don't injure myself.
7. Chatush Padasana (Four-Footed Pose)
8. Salamba Sarvangasana (Supported Shoulderstand) Ladies, any competent teacher will tell you NOT to do Headstand nor Shoulderstand 2-3 days before your menses and about 2 -3 days after. It will most definitely bring it down sooner. ;)
9. Halasana (Plow Pose)
10. Savasana (Corpse Pose)

A few things to know before you try this sequence:

• These poses are listed in the order of the sequence.
  
• Each pose can be held up to 5 minutes, with the exception of Four-Footed Pose. You should hold this pose from 20 seconds to 1 minute.
  
• Savasana (or some variation) should be done after any and every sequence you do. No matter what that sequence is.
  
• If you cannot find a particular pose in the link provided, look it up on Google. Using the English version of the pose should help you find it quickly.
  

Pranayama (pray-nah-yah-mah)

Yoga works primarily with the energy in the body, through the science of pranayama, or energy-control. Prana means also ‘breath.’ Yoga teaches how, through breath-control, to still the mind and attain higher states of awareness. The higher teachings of yoga take one beyond techniques, and show the yogi, or yoga practitioner, how to direct his concentration in such a way as not only to harmonize human with divine consciousness, but to merge his consciousness in the Infinite. – Paramahansa Yogananda

In a previous post (click here to see it), I explained how to breathe properly and the concepts of breath in Indian and Chinese traditions. Pranayama is a method of controlling your breath (which opens up infinite possibilities). Swami Satchidananda explained it best in his book, The Breath of Life: Integral Yoga Pranayama (Level I and Level II):

While pranayama helps improve physical health and well-being, that is a secondary benefit; the main benefit is control of the waves of the mind through regulation of prana. (pg. 8)

While doing pranayama exercises, you "supercharge the blood with extra oxygen...oxygen is life, so that means you are enriching your blood with a lot of life" (Satchidananda, pg. 10). Even though I learned how to heal myself using Tai Chi breathing methods, I learned a whole lot more once I started doing Yoga with Pranayama Exercises. Pranayama also stimulates the nervous system and purifies them for "optimal output and functioning" (Satchidananda, pg. 11).

Pranayama practice is also vital to a sound meditation practice. I will go into further detail with this when I talk more about meditation in a later post.

In order for you to do Pranayama properly, you need good posture (remember that?). Whether you are sitting in a Lotus Pose, standing or sitting in a chair, good posture is needed from head to toe or your breathing will suffer. You won't be able to breathe as much air as you can and you might actually hurt yourself (I also mentioned that you should be very careful with Breathing exercises and technniques...this is why). I'll let Swami Satchidananda speak for me:

However you are seated, either in a chair, on a cushion, or on the floor, please make sure that the legs are comfortable and that the spine is completely erect. The head should be straight, the shoulders back, but relaxed. Arms should be gently placed on the knees, or at your side, and relaxed. Make sure that there is no tension or leaning to any one side. A straight, steady posture is ideal. If the posture is crooked, a lot of the benefit will be lost. If it's too crooked, it can be harmful to do pranayama. While inhaling, the chest is forced to expand, and if simultaneously the crooked posture restricts it, the system undergoes strain (pg. 16).

In Hatha Yoga (asanas), Pranayama is usually done after asana practice. In some Western forms of Yoga, Poses go first, Pranayama is after and then Savasana is done to complete the class. Even though Pranayama exercises can be done at any point of the day (I usually do one or two when I'm nervous or tense), according to Gurudev (another name for Swami Satchidananda), it's best to do them between 4 and 6AM. He also recommends that "Pranayama should never be practiced soon after eating. Wait at least several hours until the stomach feels light....or if you feel too tired or exhausted."

Since your nasal passages are completely cleaned, using the Neti pot only makes your Pranayama practice better.

Various techniques provide different benefits. However, all of the warnings are the same regardless of the technique. I'll go over some of them with you:

• To derive the maximum benefit, go slowly in developing your practice. Be patient.
  
• Because you are dealing with such delicate organs as the lungs, the heart, and the nerve centers, you should take great care not to strain any part of the system by overdoing your practice. Do everything gently, avoid even the slightest strain, and never hurry.
  
• ...Women suspend the rapid breathing exercises (Kapaalabhaati and Bastrika) during their menstrual period and also for 2 or 3 days afterward. Pregnant women, who are regular practitioners, may continue practice for about the first three months, but leave out Kapaalabhaati and Bastrika therafter.
• If you have high blood pressure or coronary disease, you should not even practice rapid breathing without first consulting your physician (add page here).
  

If you want to see how some of the Pranayama techniques work, look over at the Books to Read section of this blog. I will provide a link that will enable you to buy this book.

I think I have covered a lot for you today. Next time, I will talk about Meditation and segue into Tai Chi. For now, please enjoy Matt Stokes Health Tip #2:

Used Car Salesman

When reading the front cover of any packaged food, realize that it is an advertisement meant to get you to buy the product.

Approach the front label information as if you are listening to a used car salesman.

He/she is only going to tell you the good things about the car you are considering.

Learn to understand the list of ingredients on the back of the package and trust it first.

Example: Margarine is a butter substitute that has less saturated fat than butter. In the process that makes margarine, trans fats are created. Margarine’s claim to fame has always been that it has less saturated fat than butter. It does, but the trans fats are far worse. They are the rust on the car that the used car salesman doesn’t want you to know about.

Courtesy of

Until next time...

Stay Strong, Stay Healthy, and Fight Dis-ease!

References - Satchidananda, Sri Swami (1993). The Breath of Life: Integral Yoga Pranayama Level I and Level II, Buckingham, VA:Integral Yoga Publications, Feretti, A: "Sweet Relief", pages 77-9. Yoga Journal, 2008., click on underlined text for other online references. Picture provided by http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/pranayama/introduction.asp.

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